Christmas Letter and Mother-in-law


  

I got a phone call from my dear ninety-year-old mother-in-law.

“Jeanne, I’ve been praying for you every night.”

Me: “Oh, that is so sweet of you. I can always use prayers.”

Mom: “Has Pam lost her mind?”

Me: “WHAT? No! She lost her husband… not her mind.” (I had completely forgotten about the Christmas letter I sent out this year. I added it below.)

Mom: “But she is trying to kill you. I’ve really been praying for you—now I know why.”

Me: “WHAT? NO! WHAT??”

Mom: “We got your Christmas card…”

Me: “Mom! It was a joke! She wasn’t really trying to kill me. It was meant to be funny.” (I didn’t mention that it was actually all true. She would never understand.)

Mom: “Oh good. I’ve been really worried you’d go back and visit her… with her trying to kill you like that.”

Me (banging my head on the table): “No, Mom! It’s all good. It was just a joke. She did NOT try to kill me…”

Mom: “Okay, that’s good. I’m still praying for you.”

Somebody needs to, for sure.

Note to self: Don’t send ninety-year-old people scary letters.

Here’s my Christmas letter to everyone this year—part blog, part survival guide:

Merry Christmas from Indiana… That’s where I am at the moment.

(My friend Pam’s husband was at end of life, and their son asked me to come be with his mom.)

PAM! She tried to kill me so many times when I visited her in August… I figured I was safe this trip—being serious and all, after her husband passed.

NOOO. Pam and S were talking quietly, and Pam said, “Sit there on the end of the sofa.” I leaned in to hear her, not paying attention, and sat down… on her other son, C!!! Whether intentional or not, she scared the snot (and pee) right out of me.

Back to this summer… (Do I ever learn my lesson? I digress.) We went to The World’s Largest Tri-State Gas Engine and Tractor Show—yay! We camped for a week. It was so much fun!

Pam had to go to the Dollar Store in search of something. I rounded the corner, and—dang it!—a gigantic spider dangled in my face. AHHHHH!!! My first clue she might be trying to kill me. She bought the thing and hung it on the front of the golf cart. Some lady told her husband, “Look at the spider!” He looked, nearly jumped in her lap, and someone said, “You have a spider on your windshield.” I looked for a tiny one to kill… yeah, it was the big one.

We got a lot of laughs with that huge spider.

I wanted to try an Elephant Ear—if you’ve never had one, it’s a pastry so big it requires two hands and probably a helmet. Pam took over driving the golf cart. She has a real driver’s license… or maybe not. I’ve never seen it, and I’m beginning to wonder…

I got the bright idea to video the show—phone in one hand, Elephant Ear in the other. Suddenly we crashed into an electric pole! Should we leave the scene of the crime… er, accident? Some guys came by and said, “Oh, go on, we can bend it back.” I said, “But did you see it’s on MY side of the golf cart? She tried to kill me!” They were long gone before any words could escape my lips.

We barely got going when we came face-to-face with a huge tractor with ten-foot-long forks. The man stopped, but we weren’t slowing down. I could only shout: “FORKS! FORKS!” I could just see John and the boys scolding me for not seeing the tractor. They’d take away our golf cart and make us WALK forty acres, possibly without souvenirs.

We swerved just in time. The man on the tractor shook his head like, “They let you out for the day?” I should have yelled back, “We have to have her back by four o’clock!” but didn’t think fast enough.

I looked at her and thought maybe I should toss the Elephant Ear and take the wheel. Then suddenly, this guy—some poor unsuspecting passerby—was practically riding on our windshield. The spider was kissing him! I yelled, “GUY! GUY!” He leapt to safety. Unwelcome passenger averted!

“No, we do NOT pick up men this way,” I muttered.

Finally, the last morning. Pam is rattling around the small four feet by two feet of space in the camp trailer. I doze off for a second. Then a whisper: “Jeani, are you awake?” I open my eyes… and see two huge eyes nose-to-nose with me. I scream, “AAAAHHHH! I am now awake, and I no longer need to pee!”

Moral of the story: Never underestimate a friend with a Dollar Store spider and a golf cart.

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