Christmas Letter and Mother-in-law

  I got a phone call from my dear ninety year old mother-in-law. "Jeanne  I've been praying for you every night."

   Me: oh that is so sweet of you. I can always use prayers.

  Mom: Has Pam lost her mind?

  Me: WHAT ? No she lost her husband... not her mind. (I had forgot all about the Christmas letter I sent to everyone this year. I added it below.)

  Mom: But she is trying to kill you. I've really been praying for you, now I know why.
  Me WHAT? NO WHAT?

  Mom: we got your Christmas card... 

  Me: Mom, it was a joke, she wasn't really trying to kill me  it was to be funny. (I didn't add it was all true. She would never understand.)

  Mom: Oh good. I've been really worried you'd go back and visit her, and her trying to kill you like that.

  Me (banging my head on the table.) No mom, it is all good. it was just a joke. She did not try to kill me... 

  Mom: okay that is good. I'm still praying for you.

   Somebody needs to for sure!!

   Note to self... don't send ninety year old people scary letters.

This is my Christmas letter to everyone this year.  It is a repeat of some of my blog.

Merry Christmas from Indiana... That’s where I am at the moment.

  (My friend Pam’s husband was at end of life and their son asked me to come be with his mom.)

  PAM! She tried to kill me so many times when I visited her in August..

 I figured I was safe this trip, you know, being serious and all after her husband passed.

 NOOO. Pam and S were talking quietly and  Pam said, “Sit there on the end of the sofa.” 

  I leaned in to hear her, not paying attention as I sat down,  when suddenly the sofa under me moved!! I sat on her other son C!!! Whether intentional or not... she scared the snot (and pee) right out of me.

   Back to this summer.( Do I never learn my lesson? I digress). We went to The World’s largest Tri-State-Gas Engine and Tractor Show yay!  We camped for a week. It was so much fun!

   She had to go to the Dollar Store in search of something. I rounded the corner and this gigantic spider was dangled in my face!!  AHHHHHHH!!!  (My first clue she might be trying to kill me.)! She bought the dang thing and hung it on the front of the golf cart. Some lady told her husband look at the spider, as we drove by he looked and nearly jumped in her lap. Someone said you have a spider on your windshield. I looked for a tiny one to kill.... yeah it was the big one.

  We got a lot of laughs with that huge spider.

    I wanted to try an Elephant Ear, if you've never had one, they are the best huge pastry.. It takes two hands to hold it. Pam took over driving the golf cart. Pam has a real life driver's license... or maybe not...I've not seen it, I could be very wrong I’m beginning to wonder...

   I got the bright idea, to video The World’s Largest Tri-State-Gas Engine and Tractor Show... Phone in one hand, Elephant ear in the other I seen the electric pole in the center of my phone screen. Suddenly we came to a  stop as we crashed INTO that pole! Should we leave the scene of the crime err accident? Some guys came by and said oh go on, we can bend it back.  “But did you see it is on my side of the golf cart? She tried to kill me... “ They were long gone before any words came out.

  We barely got going when we came face to face with this huge tractor with ten foot long forks.

 The man  stopped but we  weren't slowing down and again it was on MY side of the golf cart... all I could get out was "FORKS! FORKS!."  I could just see us getting impaled on these gigantic forks, John and the boys would be like but how in thunder did you NOT see him? He's  nearly the biggest tractor here. They’d scold us severely,  take away our golf cart, and make us WALK around the forty acres of stuff we might not be able to live without and if we did find something we'd have to carry it!

   We swerved in time to miss the forks. The guy on the tractor was shaking his head like “They let you out for the day" I should have yelled back, "We have to have her back by four 0'clock.” But I didn’t think of it in time. I tried to get over the shock of her trying to kill me TWICE within 2 minutes of letting her drive.

   I looked at her and thought maybe I should  toss the Elephant Ear and take the wheel, when suddenly this guy was practically riding on our windshield. The spider was kissing him!! I yelled “GUY! GUY!" He heard me and leapt to safety.   If he hadn't our windshield was open and I'd probably had him on my lap. An unwelcome passenger!

   “We do NOT pick up men this way...”

   I thought she got over her desire to kill me, The last morning,    Pam is up rattling around the small four feet by two feet of space in the camp trailer. No one else is up and about. If she would land somewhere, I could get up, grab my clothes,  dress in the bathroom, and get out of the way.  I gave up on her finding a place to park, I closed my eyes for a second and apparently I  dozed off.    The next thing I hear a whisper, "Jeani are you awake?"

 I opened my eyes and all I saw were two huge eyes. She’s nose to nose with me! I screamed "AAAAAHHHH!!! I am now, and I no longer need to pee.” *laughing*