Unrestrained Travis

                                                       Unrestrained Travis

   My brother Travis came to visit,  the same week, my mother-in-law passed away. 

  Perfect time for my kids to get to see Uncle Travis.

   The morning of the funeral, we went to breakfast, Travis, my son, Montana,  daughter, son- in- law, grandsons and sister.

   We googled a good place to eat near me. The Apple Barrel came up. 4.7 stars. That was the highest rated place with good friendly staff.

  We are all dressed like we’re going to a funeral or maybe we’re a new band in town who knows? 

  “Travis, just behave for today.”

  “I’ll try, but I’m not making any promises.”

   Our family tries to be serious at a funeral.. We fail a lot. 

  My brother-in-law passed away a month ago. At the funeral, his two great grandsons got into a scuffle.  Dad whispered to the oldest one, Arthur. Dad didn't like the answer he got, he picked up Arthur to take him outside. Arthur yelled out.  "HARVEY! YOU ARE NOT MY FRIEND!" It was too funny not to laugh. Great gramma giggled too.(my sister)

   We arrived at the Apple Barrel. 

   The  guy from Subway (next door to Apple Barrel)  had a huge industrial mop, mopping the sidewalk.. Who does that?  I really need to pay closer attention to the little details...

  Travis stopped and talked to him. “Is that how you get rid of unwanted customers?”

  Guy: NO it was here when I came to work. No idea what happened.

   Travis comes in to the café, “Did you see all that blood?”

   “What blood?”

   Travis: “That guy was mopping up huge puddles of blood in front of the subway.”

   Our waitress came over, Travis asked her, “what happened?”

   “I don’t know, I’m hoping it was an elk got hit by a car and stumbled up on the sidewalk...”

   Travis: “I don’t think it was an elk...I think it was more like a Methodist.”

   I stared at him, that is so rude! I said, “you have to forgive him, he’s been living in Mormon country too long.” (Oh my word... I just made it worse!)

   Waitress laughing, "I'll have to remember that one.”

   What??

  Travis: "A Methodist is a Meth Head."

   Wow.

  Travis began giving our waitress a hard time like he always does. She loved it.

  I wish I had recorded all of it on my phone. I tried to write it down … old school

   Waitress brought us coffee. “Do you need any cream or sugar?

   Travis: No, I’m already too sweet.

  Waitress: Is that too sweet or too fluffy?

  Travis: You do have a point... 

  Waitress: That I do

 Travis: BUT... if you wear a hat, no one will notice.”

 She laughed. 

  I tried to take a picture of Brandy with Travis, “ Act like you know one another.”

  Brandy slipped her arm behind his back,

 Travis: No  devil horns.

 Brandy:  I'm trying! I can’t... your head is too big my arm can’t reach.

  Travis: My head looks so big, coz my shoulders are too narrow, my neck is too long and skinny, and I’m too short for my height.

 Waitress: Oh so you’re saying you’re a midget giraffe?

   She is good.

  A young man from the back came out rested his hands on his chin and just watched us like he was at the circus and we were the clowns.

   We wanted a group picture, Travis asked the waitress: Would you mind taking a picture of all of us?”

  “Sure”

  She took several different angles with the phone.

  Travis: “You’re really good at this.”

  Waitress: No I was trying to get all your big head in it, and keep the shine off your bald spot.

   We were eating and visiting and she came back, and Travis said, “Seriously I just got out...”

 The waitress interrupted, “They’ve kept you in a deep dark hole?”

 Travis: well same thing, it felt like prison or jail.

I said quietly... "Mental Hospital...we have to have him back by 4:00.Keep the sharp utensils from him."

 Travis:" I just love those special jackets we wear (he crossed his arms like wearing a straight jacket) that’s why my arms are flailing all around so much, I’m not sure what to do with them, they aren’t used to being free."

    Travis said, “We noticed you all have 4.7 stars and they said you have a great friendly staff.”

   Waitress/Jennifer,  “Wow that’s awesome thank you.

  Travis: Where are they?, Is this their day off?

  Waitress pointed to the guy behind the counter. “They are one of us! This is awesome!”

  Our food was really good. We threatened to come back. They can't wait.

   When Mom R. planned her funeral (years ago) she said she didn’t want a funeral dinner she wanted all of us to go out to dinner like we did at Bob’s funeral.

  I said to Anita at the time, “She does know she’s not going with us right?"

  Anita said, “I dunno, I think she plans on it.”

  After Mom’s funeral, we did meet at a restaurant like she wanted. She could have been there in spirit, it wouldn’t surprise me.

  Travis sat beside me this time, across from a couple I didn’t know very well. Would they appreciate Travis humor or would I be banned from any further family gatherings. Time would tell.

   Steve, Sierra’s boyfriend is an IT computer guy... sitting across from a red neck as they come hunter fisherman, makes knives as a hobby guy. Travis works as a Safety Man for a huge oil company and travels all over the country.

  Steve said, “I’m an IT guy we should have lots in common” 

 Oh he does have a sense of humor.

   Sierra took Steve’s shrimp from his plate, 

Travis said, Steve, you need to learn how to say NO.I tell my wife no all the time.”

   I said ‘you do realize, his wife is not here.”

   Travis” yeah and good thing she isn’t.”

   Travis: I went to an antique mall, it was five minutes before closing time, she said go ahead and look around, I have paper work to do anyway. 

  I didn’t find anything tackle or knives like I wanted. I went to go out and the door was locked.

  The lady said, “Oh looks like you’ve been kidnapped.

  (Travis stood up put his hand on one hip, bent his knee and his finger on his chin tilted his head down)

    “What made you choose me?”

   The lady said really fast, “I’ll get the key!”

   Sierra asked “Has anyone ever tried to restrain you?”

  Travis: Restrain is my middle name.

 Me: Restraining Order

Travis: hey we don’t talk about that, we keep it in the family...

 Rob said, “The boys call a tackle box, tackle and hookers.

 Travis: “you may catch something you may never get rid of, could be with you for life.”

Rob said, “ Zak didn’t know the difference between Pheasant and Peasant.

  Travis: Those Peasant hunts are killer, really hard on the poor people.  What they do Zak, they gather up all the poor people in the villages and then turn them loose to hunt them.”

  Zak “I didn’t know

 Travis tried to tell them, I was a bad influence on him. My late husband, Van’s aunt stood up and turned around. I’ll have you know... Jeanne is a really good sweet person!”

  I formed a halo over my head so they could all see that I am an angel!! Good person!”

   She continued, “You  Travis need a spanking!” then she walked out of the room.

  Travis jumped up.. “Hey don’t threaten me with a good time ant then not follow through!”

    Only a few days of Travis and my belly is still sore from laughing so much.