Adventures with Geannii

The next day after the concert, we’re on a mission for breakfast. First stop—BadAss Breakfast. Closed. I mean, how can you call yourself BadAss if you can’t even get out of bed in the morning?  We end up at Benedicts. Brandy and I split a BLT on a croissant delicious. We’re leaving, Betty heads to the bathroom, and suddenly Brandy’s in full panic mode: “I think I left my phone!” We’re searching everywhere, she’s freaking out—then she goes, “Oh never mind, I’ve got it.” Meanwhile, I’m holding her hoodie like, “Uh, were you also looking for this?” Then it’s back to Specialty store shopping. Question: do I need a tiny little bag just big enough for my phone and wallet? Answer: YES. Because when you’re bargain-hunting, logic is the first thing that gets marked 70% off. Next up massages. Betty and Brandy get this dreamy, romantic 90-minute couples’ massage. Picture it: soft music, synchronized breathing, maybe a little foot massage that makes you question why life has ever been st...

First thing we do in Denver? Starbucks. Because priorities. Nothing says vacation like paying nine bucks for hot bean water. Then we Google breakfast. GPS takes us… to the airport. Yeah. Nothing like being starving and lost to make you laugh like hyenas. We finally eat, and I’m like, “Okay… not funny… but at least the omelet was good.” More Specialty store shopping in Denver? Oh, it’s not thrift. It’s Rich People Runway. Brandy’s driving us, she goes the wrong way down a one-way street—then takes us OFF-ROAD. Over the sidewalk, between dumpsters, back onto the street like nothing happened. Rob hears about it later and says, “That’s because you’re a smooth criminal.” Even Michael Jackson would be proud.” Meanwhile, Betty’s praying, Brandy’s crying-laughing, and me? I’m yelling my big curse word: “CRAP!” Not the f-bomb. Just… “CRAP.” Somewhere out there, a nun is proud. We’re still looking for this one ARC thrift store—can’t find it. We ask a clerk, she pulls up Google Maps, turns out...

So my trip started with Betty flying in, Denver traffic could be brutal—it’s basically Mario Kart with actual consequences. Little did I know, they have like four lanes dedicated just for going to the airport. I half expected one of them to be the “Good Luck” lane where you just pray you end up at the right terminal. No worries though, I showed up an hour and a half early and claimed a victory prize: a chair in baggage claim. Honestly, highlight of my morning. Forget the Rocky Mountains, I found a seat. We finally get to our hotel—fancy Greenwood Village. Very classy. You know it’s classy when it takes two grown women to figure out the elevator. We’re standing there like, “Okay, zero is parking… but there’s no garage. Who’s the evil genius behind this button?” We’re laughing so hard the elevator probably said: Well, bless their hearts. Truth be told, our two brains couldn’t get a hummingbird to fly backwards. Next up—Betty and I love Specialty shops. (My term for Thrift Stores. “Specia...

 “So Buddy tempted me with two giant totes of clothes. And I’m thinking, can I use any of them? Oh my goodness — YES. This man dresses better than I do! I wanted to take them all. But then I remembered… oh yeah, I have two adult grandsons. How do you forget something like that? That’s not hindsight, that’s a senior moment wrapped in denial. So I filled a garbage bag full. Half for me, half for Marvin. And then I decided to take a walk. Did I want to? No. Why? Because it was HOT. Like Satan’s armpit hot. But I did it anyway, only went a mile and came home. And in case you missed it — it was HOT. After I stopped melting, we went to meet Jessica and the boys at a taco shop with some fancy Spanish name… like Taquiro del Blah Blah . I just called it “Taco-something.” On the way, we passed the Salvation Army. I said, ‘Are we stopping?’ Translation: ‘We are stopping.’ And it paid off. I got a Samsonite backpack for $6. SIX BUCKS! This thing holds two laptops, a Smashbook, probably a ...

 So July 13th was Rob’s birthday. I hopped on the family chat, told him happy birthday. He said thanks… then told his mom to keep an eye on me. Like Chris Farley on a road trip. ] Basically:  “Don’t let her eat glue or wander into traffic.”  And honestly? Fair. The morning was peaceful. I’m outside on the patio, breeze blowing, wind chimes going… and I’m thinking: “This is it. This is serenity.” And then I remember… oh no, church.  Nothing ruins inner peace like realizing you have exactly 17 minutes to look holy. I did my Spanish lesson—so if anyone needed salvation  en Español , I was ready. Buddy and I chatted with JoDee—she’s getting up earlier here. Which is wild. Usually, JoDee wakes up at noon like she’s auditioning to be a housecat. Church was great though. Everyone acted like they were glad to see us.  Which, in church terms, means they only judged us  a little bit. Tiffany invited us to dinner, but after the service… I bolted. Like full ninja ...

  I’m on the road again, headed to Colorado. I roll into this little town called Limon about 3:30. Now, my GPS didn’t say  Limon.  Oh no. It said:  “Arriving in… Leemon.”   I’m like… great. I really hope I didn't take the scenic route to another town. I'm supposed to be in LIME on. Not LEE mon.(both citrus fruits, I need the town) We check into the Quality Inn. Same place I stayed before. And listen—this motel bed? It hugged me tighter than my grandma at Christmas. Worth every penny. The staff was so nice, I was half expecting them to tuck me in and read me a bedtime story. Dinner was Arby’s—Hot Ham Melt, orange cream milkshake. Oh, it was delicious. For like, twenty minutes.  I spent the night in the bathroom, having the kind of spiritual experience you can only have with “Then my stomach launched a full-scale escape plan.” fluorescent lighting and bad decisions. By 2:30 a.m., I’m wide awake, the bathroom and I are more than first name basis. My new b...

 My great niece Jana… bought three guppies for her three kids. Real cute, right? Three kids, three fish, everything balanced. We’re talking  Pinterest-level parenting . Day one: one fish dies. Okay, sad, but it happens. Now they’re down to two Jana walked by the tank one day and—wait a second—there is only  one  guppy swimming around. No floater. No funeral. Just… one. Jana asked her daughter Violet, “Honey, what happened to the other guppy?” And Violet, without missing a beat, goes:  “It’s in my belly.” Now—Jana was like, “I’m sorry… what did you say?” And Violet just doubled down. “It’s. In. My. Belly.” This girl has the confidence of a mafia hitman at age THREE. Horrified, Jana asked, “What did you DO?” And Violet? She doesn’t even flinch. She  demonstrated . Hand in the tank, scoop motion, shove in the mouth—  gobble gobble gobble.  “In my belly.” I mean, this is not some frat kid swallowing a goldfish on a dare. This is a toddler treating Pet...