Buddy's Diet

  I’m on the road again, headed to Colorado. I roll into this little town called Limon about 3:30.

Now, my GPS didn’t say Limon. Oh no. It said: “Arriving in… Leemon.”  I’m like… great. I really hope I didn't take the scenic route to another town. I'm supposed to be in LIME on. Not LEE mon.(both citrus fruits, I need the town)

We check into the Quality Inn. Same place I stayed before. And listen—this motel bed? It hugged me tighter than my grandma at Christmas. Worth every penny. The staff was so nice, I was half expecting them to tuck me in and read me a bedtime story.

Dinner was Arby’s—Hot Ham Melt, orange cream milkshake. Oh, it was delicious. For like, twenty minutes.  I spent the night in the bathroom, having the kind of spiritual experience you can only have with “Then my stomach launched a full-scale escape plan.” fluorescent lighting and bad decisions.

By 2:30 a.m., I’m wide awake, the bathroom and I are more than first name basis. My new best friend.

So yeah… Colorado’s beautiful, the Quality Inn was great… but Arby’s? Arby’s is the real adventure. You don't buy Arby's food, you rent it for a few minutes before it makes its escape plans.

 We left Limon (or is that Lee-Mon) We were up and running by 6:30. Ate in the motel lobby. The food was… fine. The coffee though? Weak. I’m talking so weak it could’ve been arrested for loitering.

I thought about swinging by McDonald’s, but then I remembered—they’ve changed. And not for the better. Even Ronald McDonald looks like he’s on LinkedIn updating his résumé.

We hit the road, gorgeous trip over the mountains. The scenery was perfect… except for the bugs. Thousands of suicidal bugs just flinging themselves at my windshield.  Even when it rained, they didn’t wash off. Nope. Those bugs signed a 30-year lease.

Got into Buddy’s around 11:30. He’s on a diet, so we all agreed—we’re not gonna tempt him. We’ll order what he can eat. Which is great. Makes dinner simple. “Yes waiter, we’ll take… sadness, with a side of portion control.”

Quick trip to ARC and Goodwill. Found a purple suitcase set. Little worn, but hey—so am I.  Googled it later, turns out it actually has good ratings. Score one for second-hand shopping.

Then I realized my red suitcase—the one I thought was bigger—is the exact same size as my carry-on. I’ve been living a luggage lie for years.

Dinner at Texas Roadhouse—sirloin, broccoli, salad. Delicious. And Buddy thanked us for sticking to his diet. So now, apparently, we’re on the Buddy Diet too. I didn’t sign up for this, but here we are. Send help.

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