Spring Break and Donuts

  Spring Break.

I thought I’d be working—bummer.

Then my coworker goes, “Hey, if you wanna see your grandsons, I’ll cover things.”
That was all I needed. I grabbed my pre-packed bag—because yes, I keep one ready like I’m in the witness protection program—and hit the road.

On the way, I called my daughter.
“Hey, surprise! I’m coming for the weekend!”
Now, in my head, she was going to squeal with joy… instead, there was a long pause followed by: “…Thanks for the warning, Mom.”

I had forgotten—she works full time, has two boys, and a husband who counts as the third.
She was imagining me walking in, judging her messy kitchen like an undercover HGTV host.
So I said, “Don’t worry about it, honey. I left MY house messy too.”
And she goes, “But don’t you have a housekeeper?”
“Yes… but she doesn’t live with me. And I’ve left the dishes all week.”

Meanwhile, my car decided to become part of the story.
I hit the car wash—suddenly OnStar is in my ear.
“We need to set this up.”
How do they even know I’m driving? Creepy!
Next thing I know, I’ve got three free months of OnStar.
Basically, I have a government spy riding shotgun.

And this car—it’s like it’s parenting me.
I fiddled with the radio, drifted a little, the wheel gently pulled me back.
I’m like, “Oh! Excuse me, Dad.”
Then somebody cut me off, and the car braked FOR me.
At this point, it’s officially a better driver than half my relatives.

I finally got to my daughter’s house.
Nobody wanted to go out. The boys wanted Cheesecake Factory.
My son-in-law ordered delivery.
Two hundred dollars. For five people.
And this is Kansas—not Vegas!
He dropped the cheesecake and drinks. Suddenly the bill’s $100.

The next morning, Zak bursts in:
“Yeah, a free day with no adults!”
Excuse me? What am I??

Zak took a shower without being asked—so I knew something was up.
We go out for donuts. I tell them, “Two each.”
No one mentioned they were the size of tractor tires.

They scarf them down, and when Brandy got home, first thing she asks is:
“How much sugar did you have?”
Maybe she guessed from the way Zak's pupils were vibrating, and he was hopping around the living room like a kangaroo on crack.

And that’s how I spent my Spring Break.
And why I now need a vacation from my vacation.